Henri Nouwen
– ‘all of life is
a pure gift’.
After Julie Roberts’ 19 year old son was killed crossing the road, her understanding of gratitude for life changed profoundly. A long-time meditator*, Julie reflects on gratitude as a discipline, and that even bad things do not happen outside God’s loving presence.
We grow up being taught that it is polite to express our thanks as a response to people, but I want to share a different way of looking at gratitude.
The great 20th century spiritual teacher Henri Nouwen offers an insight that gratitude is more than an expression of thanks - it can be a practice, a discipline:
Gratitude … claims the truth that all of life is a pure gift. In the past I always thought of gratitude as a spontaneous response to the awareness of gifts received, but now I realise that gratitude can also be lived as a discipline. The discipline of gratitude is the explicit effort to acknowledge that all I am and have is given to me as a gift of love, a gift to be celebrated with joy.
Gratitude as a discipline involves a conscious choice. I can choose to be grateful even when my emotions and feelings are still steeped in hurt and resentment. It is amazing how many occasions present themselves in which I can choose gratitude instead of a complaint …
The choice for gratitude rarely comes without some real effort. But each time I make it, the next choice is a little easier, a little freer, a little less self-conscious. . . . There is an Estonian proverb that says: “Who does not thank for little will not thank for much.” Acts of gratitude make one grateful because, step by step, they reveal that all is grace. (You are the Beloved – Daily Meditations for Spiritual Living, July 2, p202)
Gratitude, like meditation, can be thought of as a discipline by making a conscious choice to practise it regularly.
Four ways to practise gratitude as a discipline…
write thank you in a note/email everyday
offer a random act of kindness every day (for example – a smile, flowers, compliment, share a parking ticket)
start a gratitude journal (three things that went well every day)
make a point of savouring whatever you notice being grateful for (while walking, for example)
Doing these simple things helps to maintain a positive attitude despite what is happening around us.
It's not always easy…
This is all very well when life feels good, but what about when you are fed up, unwell, going through dark times?
I have experienced dark times myself and along with my family was engulfed in darkness in 2003 when my son, who was 19, was killed by a reckless driver as he crossed the road at a pelican crossing in Manchester, England. Those of you who have lost a child will know the trauma and the sadness that comes with this.
For me, what followed a few days later was one of the most profound experiences of my life. One night while sitting on the bathroom floor sobbing and not knowing where to turn, I remembered that my husband and I were supposed to be sharing in reading at our local church the following Sunday so I decided to look up the two passages. One of them was Colossians 3:12-17.
12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. 16 Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. 17 And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
This was the perfect reading to remind me that other people sometimes do things which are hard to forgive, but at the same time to recognise that I still had much to be thankful for. It reminds me that I may do things which others find hard to forgive and I want to be forgiven by them. These are hard truths.
Over time rather than focusing on what I had lost, I realised that the way forward was to be grateful for the 19 years that I had with my son. So, while there are some situations which we could never be happy about, it is possible to change perspective. I don’t say it is easy.
Being grateful when you are in a dark place is difficult whatever the situation and that’s why gratitude is a good discipline to practice. I am sure that St Paul was writing those words trying to encourage his readers and they certainly spoke to me.
We can practice being grateful, we can draw on scripture, we can reframe our experiences and try to see things in a more hopeful way, but here’s another important insight from Henri Nouwen which is part of truly
Living a grateful life…
True spiritual gratitude embraces all of our past, the good as well as the bad events, the joyful as well as the sorrowful moments. From the place where we stand, everything that took place brought us to this place, and we want to remember all of it as part of God’s guidance. That does not mean that all that happened in the past was good, but it does mean that even the bad didn’t happen outside the loving presence of God. . . . Once all of our past is remembered in gratitude, we are free to be sent into the world to proclaim good news to others. (You are the Beloved – Daily Meditations for Spiritual Living, Oct 13, p313)
When we look back it is true that we have a natural tendency to divide events into good and bad, those we are grateful for and those we prefer to forget. But as Henri Nouwen says, with a divided past it is difficult to move freely into the future.
This idea of a grateful life, acknowledging that nothing has happened outside Gods loving presence is picked up by Trappist monk Thomas Merton:
Gratitude is more than a mental exercise, more than a formula of words. We cannot be satisfied to make a mental note of things which God has done for us and then perfunctorily thank Him for favors received….
To be grateful is to recognize the Love of God in everything He has given us - and He has given us everything. Every breath we draw is a gift of His love, every moment of existence is a grace, for it brings with it immense graces from Him.
Gratitude therefore takes nothing for granted, is never unresponsive, is constantly awakening to new wonder and to praise of the goodness of God. For the grateful person knows that God is good, not by hearsay but by experience. And that is what makes all the difference.” (Thoughts in Solitude, 33)
Like meditation, it’s not by hearsay but by experience; in this case living a grateful life by recognising God’s love in everything.
And this has been taken forward in a very practical way by Merton’s friend Br David Steindl Rass, a Benedictine monk. Br David serves a Network for Grateful Living through an online site called gratefulness.org which offers many practices for grateful living.
I Invite you to ponder your attitude to gratitude, how it is part of the discipline of your own life and what living a grateful life really means.
I want to leave you with a poem by 13th century Persian poet Rumi that sums it up:
The Guest House (Translated by Coleman Barks)
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
* Julie has been a meditator with the World Community for Christian Meditation (WCCM) for 18 years. She has held several leadership roles in the WCCM and is currently Somerset Regional Co-ordinator, the UK School of Meditation Co-ordinator, and a member of the UK leadership team.
She is also author of ‘Just Turn Up!’ soon to be published by Medio Media. It follows the journey of an aspiring meditator as they embark on the six week introductory course and the challenges they encounter on the way.
This article is an edited version of a talk given at Benedict’s Well on 13 September 2021. Benedict’s Well is an outreach of the Benedictine Oblates of the WCCM. The weekly event (Mondays) consists of a period of meditation followed by an inspirational talk. See: http://oblates.wccm.org/v2019/news-from-the-oblate-community/events/benedicts-well-6/